IMAGINE that a saint like Mother Teresa or Dr. Alfred Schweitzer looked back on his life, someone who had spent fifty years breaking his or her  back collecting funds from donations,  feeding starving villagers, helping them find fields, plant crops,  saving lives of starving orphans in the third world. Imagine that the saint had spent fifty years doing this holy work  and didn't do it perfectly, and at the end of his or her life,  thinks, "what is the most perfect way to do a life saving game?" What should I have done when I entered this kind of work? So imagine that MOTHER TERESA is RUMINATING on the way and comes up with a LIGHTBULB!


I'm betting that Mother TERESA would have seen how there could be orphanages in a hundred cities, not one. A thousand villages, not two. She has seen the answer, which is what I'm thinking about. THE ANSWER is an army doing the same work. An ASSEMBLY LINE. Remember the army of CLONES in the latest STAR WARS? Like that number! YOU, ME, soldiers of GOD. BUT times ONE THOUSAND! MULTIPLIED BY SOME GEORGE LUCAS CGI screen process to make  BEAUTIFUL GIRLS!

THE GOAL is no more suffering or disease in adults or children, third world or first world. You know the details of TERESA's life. How this little nun from Croatia ran a grimy little HINDU hostel for the sick orphaned, starving babies of CALCUTTA for two long decades before she attracted public attention and started going to balls, fundraisers, posh parties in every city: London, LA HOUSTON, GENEVA.

We know that after this grimy and SLOW start, for the next THREE decades, the super rich give her a thousand here, a thousand there yet she ran only one orphanage/clinic in Calcutta. On those paltry thousands given her by people who had a billion each, some up to forty billion. She did THAT FOR YEARS. She bought  rice, vegetables, curry, powdered milk, paid salaries, rent. YET THOUSANDS OF BABIES DIED each year. And oh, they DID. Her adverse chroniclers like Christopher Hitchens really do go into depth on that.

She'd get a thousand babies a year from the streets and half died. Mother T. still has to wake at dawn, collect babies left on church stairs, heat a dozen bottles, hit the bank with a few rupees left in collection plate, then take time off, go to USA, NYC, HOUSTON, everywhere. Rich folks hand her a grand. Here there. It goes into bank, maybe VATICAN takes a little who knows? So maybe occasionally, she can also buy a little chicken or fish for the babies? Something more nutritive than MILK POWDER?

She has a great BIG orphanage in Calcutta but as Chris Hitchins has written about her  babies are dying by the thousand. EVEN her own people say 'jeez, she baptizes them, she feeds them powdered milk, they die. It would appear she just wants their souls for CHrist' THEY OPINE that very little gets better. In truth MA- T needed a damn western doctor with specialty in tropical disease! BUT HELL, as she's on this budget she's making do with the village doctor NO OPRAH SHE! Just a few miserable thousands a year budget. Hey I don't fault her. HITCHINS goes to town on her though. Calls her a rosary whippin Hitler. Maybe I can find the article on my hard drive. NOW run that movie for fifty years. HER LIFE IS NEARLY OVER. PRINCESS DIANA stumbles on her. Great photo opp. But sadly a week later they're both dead. WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU? Nothing right. FATE is sad. And there is no God. Only saints like Teresa (who once on the other side,) hear your prayers. I know there's no God cuz Mexico quake had 4 cement floors fall on living children.

So I forgive those tiny lacks in the busy, exhausted Mother Teresa. After all, we never saw womenkind like her where I come from.  I grew up in MOVIETOWN in the shadow of MGM and Twentieth Century Fox. My home was equidistant from both. Coulda ridden my bike to either. HERE the average home goes for a million where my dad lived, but in Bev Hills, 4 to 50 million. My dad worked at MGM for forty years orchestrating all those musicals. WE had a pool, three bedrooms and a garage apartment. GOOD LIFE. My dumb mom divorced him for some way-in-the-background fooling around. My sis and I were floating after that. My Mom moved to MEXICO CITY. So, with no mom AT AGE l8 I entered the film crowd, acting, doing flicks and tv. MET A LOTTA WHORES and starlets and oh yes, WOLVES Fact is I'm in the Warren Beatty biography. Finstead wrote it, got voted best bio of the year. I Turned Warren down for a date on set of our show DOBIE GILLIS. So I had very little to say about him. Nonetheless, My photos is there in the BIO with him, taken while we rehearsed. An hr later he asked me for a date and I turned him down. THE REASON? Besides idle chit chat, NOTHING had happened between us. WE HAD NOT BONDED in the least nor CHATTED.  NEITHER of us had any ability to create a bond. He just liked what he saw. That was the only basis for his asking for a date. VISUALS. I was too dumb to realize that for a guy that's about it. ALPHA OMEGA!

SO dummie here spends a few yrs acting and in that time, I SAW A LOT. DID NOT ALWAYS PROCESS IT CORRECTLY. HAD NO GUIDES whatsoever. SO ALL I DID was make mistakes one after the next. I MEAN CARY GRANT wanted to meet me and I told agent that day didn't work for me, no JUPITER aspect to the moon. I did date Charles Bronson and flubbed that! Ate garlic before the date, he brought me home in a half hour and told me why. ONE OF my worst mistakes WAS JUDGING WARREN as seedy and NOT GOING OUT! And ditto with Cary Grant. And Cesar Balsa wanted to buy me drinks. Balsa hotel chain. Said no to all of them. Didn't realize what men saw in me would last about five years more.

BUT WHAT MERCURY IN PISCES RETROGRADE is good at (me) is going backwards over time and psychically processing those events. In other words, I am a MONDAY MORNING quarterback. WHO LOST THE GAME ON SUNDAY. YOU CAN TRUST MY MIND! MY PROCESSING. Cuz it's doing all this MONDAY MORNING quarterbacking on what I did, on what beauties can do, should do, and what needs doing down here from God's point of view and the fact beauties can do it best that moved me to write LUCK IN LOVE DOT COM.

ONE OF THE BIG THINGS I teach gals is how to make a genuine energy leap between herself and the new man who she met ten seconds ago. As ya know what? it is real compromising to one's self love to SEE THE GUY has not bonded in any way, and then SAY YES to a date! SO EASY to remedy, too. MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN IN initial seconds with him, so that he's having this LIGHT BULB over his head, THIS PUMPING PINK VALENTINE HEART around his chest and maybe, a little action under the belt.

THIS CAN BE ARRANGED, It can be 'created' as much as EDISON created a lightning bolt in 1900 which poor ole BEN FRANKLIN in 1700 had to wait in the rain for!

SO. MOTIVES, GOALS, GETTING OUR HANDS on all the levers and dials. As modern goddesses, we cannot be as witless and 'accidental' as BEN was, we have to be more like EDISON while still looking like RIMA THE BIRD GIRL in the JUNGLE wide eyed (audrey hepburn played her in her worst movie ever) NAIVE. Waif. Wide eyed,

THE WISDOM of the universe is contained in one sentence, from a baseball movie. I love that sentence, BUILD THE FIELD HE WILL COME. I LOVE to think of women stage managing events and relationships  WHEN CURTAIN OPENS, you see the set. YOU DO NOT realize how much work the stage designer has done to create that peaceful, artistically arranged, seemingly accidental setting.

WHY would one go to all that work? Cuz a long happy life requires an involved, long happy game. A HOLY game. ENDING the suffering and ignorance on this planet is a FABULOUS game for you to play! But there's no way this game which is more efficient, more muscular, better at raising MILLIONS could have been ideated by MOTHER TERESA. It ook some chick from L.A. to think of it! Someone who'd seen the realities of  THE BIG MONEY people vis a vis the beauties. (I dated TWO billionaires, put that on my resume too, Paolo Macondes Ferraz, Head of PETRO BRAS and Ed PAULEY of PAULEY PETROLEUM and screwed up the relationships, as was my habit....)

BUT POSTHUMOUSLY, I learned that if the beauty who dates TYCOONS can PLAY this HOLY GAME and get involved with the game at the same time she's dating these BRAINY, BILLIONAIRE fellows, you are never bored. You are always walking around smiling, happily dazed, enjoying every chance meeting, also may I add, as soon as folks get a whiff of your mind/ concerns/ interests you will intrigue them.

What I'm saying is you have the tools (as a card-carrying beauty) to have their starting gate interest.  Saying yes to a pickup line would NAIL you into the ground and you'd be just another rusty nail. So say 'No' in a cute way. I should have said,Warren we have not exchanged ONE WORD. I could be the biggest dope or pain in the ass..." Write some dialogue. We are doing a Mozart a CHOPIN concerto here. Light, artfully fingered, intricate. You don't have to say NO like a TROMBONE.

We want to dazzle passing angels, get the word up to the Saints that WE ARE HOPING for the big fish. MOTHER TERESA  plodded after the big fish. We can do a sprightly run at them, doing her one better. WE CAN MOVE ON AZURE SEAS in a fast YACHT toward that big fish CUZ WE ARE EVOLVED. We can take the LUCK IN LOVE HOW TO MARRY A BILLIONAIRE SEMINAR, right here, FREE, online. 

I mean, Mozart had to go to a lot of classes before he could write violin trills. His work was based on other masters and was a lot better than 12th century flute. And both were a lot better than pre BC gourds and tambor drums. Evolution is a reality. I'm here to help you evolve and get all those billions out of the bank into PLAY for starving villages in Muslim world, Africa, Latin America. We want THEM to grow economies like EUROPE and USA. Like CHINA did. Like RUSSIA did.

WE CAN DO THE GAL THING better than it's ever been done before. We have ACME juicers costing 30$ at WAL-MART so the salad, chlorophyll, pears and apples turn into a green, foamy youthening nectar beverage in a sec! No five buck jamba juice for us. We have LEOTARDS, CARPETS to throw down a sheet and do yoga and stretches. We can watch GREAT CABLE flicks while we flatten our abs. IN THE TWENTIES what gal could flatten an ab? WHO KNEW TO DO IT?! Look at beauty contests in the twenties, all those carbo girls. Or in the GIBSON girl era, massive thighs like TURKEYS! BUNS OF PILLSBURY DOUGH! THEY THOUGHT flour was a food group! We can spurn TOASTER PASTRIES for breakfast, have a soy smoothie and omega rich fish with watercress for lunch and work out and actually stay looking l8 for four decades!

So we are OLYMPIC athletes compared to what went before us. It is TIME TO LEARN THE INTRICATE GAME, which is MARRYING A BILLIONAIRE and COMING up to the ORPHANAGE with the cash and saying "I GIVE YOU THIS, I want all those girls in school 6 hours a day, right here. I want to build the school room." The boys you can send out to the local school. GIRLS get intensive educations. OR.....I WANT A CLINIC added to this village. YOU get free treatment for every orphan and all the poor children in this village with parents. SO in a way, you can RUN it for the entire village. YOU CHARGE. I will send you best doctor from DELHI. Pay his salary, set up his equipment. He gets a fabulous salary, five hundred bucks a month. IF HE wants to quit, the entire set up stays with us, we just get a new doc from delhi.

STUFF like that. PROVIDING, regulating, MAKING sure nobody gets stiffed. SECURITY of the best sort so no girl turning 13 ever has to worry about guys. KNOWING who is going to make a move that is counter efficiency like the DELHI DOCTOR who now sits in a posh clinic and will of course want more than FIVE HUNDRED.

A WELL THOUGHT OUT PLAN and doing it for every village in INDIA. THEN south east ASIA, then LATIN AMERICA. SO, from learning to manage beauty, getting your DMV license to run that beauty out on the roads, obeying the beauty laws, to the final goal, BEING AN OPRAH. Being a Mother Teresa.

A great game. Life is about great games.

Q: They tell me I'm pretty. Am i ready to play?
A: Lighten up on the lipstick. Is that a wig? Show me

what your real hair's like.
Q: That IS my real hair.
A. Ok Flashy is good for a while. I mean, you're l8. But
it kinda puts off the billionaires. I don't know. We gotta
try it out. Try a stylist at Saks, they're free. Or get a
boutique with very TOWN & COUNTRY duds. Then
walk a resume thru a few Fortune 500 corps to see
if you get main floor interest. When you are dating
tycoons and going to Country Clubs, you'll learn how
the Blue bloods dress fast enough. See, you don't
want to put off a TYCOON cuz you look too fast lane.
Take the seminar. It will teach you how to fake breeding
so well you're more well bred than blue bloods! Oh,
and rent EVITA & SABRINA. Get back to me. Let me
know what's going on. AUNTIE ANITA.
ONe more thing. There's a sort of VAPID look in
your eyes. Go heavy on the CONVERSATION 101
chapters, huh?