THE CASE OF THE BLITHE BOZOTHE REALLLY DUMB HUSBAND by Anita Sands Hernandez



My wife's birthday? I dunno. We don't have children

NOT A COMPLAINT, A simple "TAKING NOTE" OF A FACT OF LIFE

There's an internet joke which goes this way: While attending a Marriage Encounter weekend, Ken and his wife Gretchen listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?" Ken leaned over, touched Gretchen's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-purpose, isn't it?"

It could happen. We see the bozo zone showing up around men all the time. The man knows absolutely nothing about his wife's favorite things and that woman goes on and on getting a mixmaster for Christmas when she'd prefer Joy perfume and bare root roses as costly flowers die in an hour, the bare root lives forever. Plus, you can buy one dozen bareroot rose plants for the price of a bouquet of roses. But that man doesn't know any of it. Cuz he permanently tunes his wife's universe OUT!

WHY does a man do that to a woman he's close to?Because he’s cheap or because he got her cheap?

When two people are bonded and one is a woman, that GIRL won't turn off the juice no matter what he does, short of murder, bank robbery and pedophilia. And often those things don't do it. SO what makes men so disinterested in our loves and tastes? And more important, what leverage does a woman have to catch his attention, make him listen, make him study her likes as she has studied his, make him contribute as she does, on the subtle level, to the joy of the union?

First, it behoove a woman to underline her list of what makes her happy. Her sexual needs, her economic needs. Then the TASTES list. MY TASTES LIST: Which, if I had a man, I'd hand him FAVORITE BOUQUET: TUBEROSE and GARDENIAS, DEEP RED SUPER DAMASK FRAGRANCE ROSES but I'd much prefer PLANTS or BULBS to grow the same. For COSTLY CAFE DATES: FRENCH, with red wine. Cheap, ETHNIC CAFE dates: Thai, Ethiopian, Mex, Chinese and black beer not pale.

The COLOR BLUE, electric blue. INDIGO. It's so little, you know, my list, so little for a guy to grasp yet I had a boyfriend on/off for thirty solid years who once gave me a RED PURSE. He'd never seen me near that color in his life. What was he thinking? Hey, he wasn't thinking, hadn't thought about it, never did and as after 30 yrs, he checked out, took the big jetstream, now he never WILL!

You are responsible for giving your man your taste list. Your sexual and economic needs list. ENUNCIATE it, write it down.

Men are so distinctly not of our race that I wonder what testosterone is. Some BLITHENESS chemical? A STUPIDITY hormone? Must be cuz you sure couldn’t get a gal to get in a space capsule for six months in free fall just for some stripes on a uniform. Does one pay for space adventures, muscles and hairy chests with permanent OBLIVION?

Not entirely. Men prove to us they can remember things by getting to work every morning without getting lost. So give them your list of MY FAVORITE THINGS and let's start a Brave New World where if we please our men, our  men  know how to please us back!

Now here’s your homework. Right now, you’re dating several men, you’re friends with others who’d like to date you, communicate to all your FAVORITE THINGS LIST. We’re going to see “who loves you baby?”. Cuz you may be dating a lot of slimy frogs. If a man doesn’t respond to your list, doesn’t deliver one of those items, then he’s a frog and you shouldn’t be dating him. We want to separate the frogs from the princes, so see who hears you when you have a list and make it known.

Most girls never read the list because unconsciously they know already he’s a frog.

Another thing: If one of your man-chums promised to do something, take you somewhere or help you fix that leaky faucet, tile that front porch, wash dishes after dinner and hasn’t yet complied, hasn’t made good on his promise….you have to mention it, see what he says and if he’s not a stand-up fellow, you have to realize that he’s a frog and strike him off your LIST. 

It does NOT matter how cute or rich he is, FROGS do not make useful husbands.

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