WHY IS DIVORCE A BAD IDEA?'Cuz Single Mothers will end up Single Grandma's - QUESTION: In one of your articles you write that a single mum living with her young son is setting him up to be a future women abuser, where do you get that idea? I know boys who grew up with single mums and they worship their mother and have high respect for women and for the work they did when they were single mums. You also say that no man would love a child that's not his own, who's very dependent on the person, one of my best friends is a man who raised a boy who wasn't HIS and he loved it like that boy as if he were his own child... If I know one thing its that every person is different, and it all depends on a persons values and morals how they behave, not on that fact that they happen to be a man or a woman. Signed, Marjike in Holland.
ANSWER: Marijke, first of all, you obviously are a very probing, thoughtful, perfected being, Holland is a terrific country, full of really great people and being Dutch, you only attracted very "together" friends. And you're right, even in America, there will always be an exception to the rule. The "RULE" just means there are STATISTICALLY MORE CASES where the dark events occur as the SITUATION described is 'delicate'. Divorce in a family very simply predisposes to THINGS GOING WRONG, toward intersocial tensions. Imagine the daily life of this Mother newly alone, raising a son. She's frazzled when she has to be vital, upbeat and perfect. If she had the strength of the Goddess Venus, then it might work. She could hire a babysitter, work all day, come home bouncy. But how can one be perfect when one is working a 50 hour week with travel time too, low salary? Terrible maidservants of suspicious origin and character. She's not only all there for that boy but she's stuck him in a situation with some poor woman who left her own kids back in El Salvador to come make dollars.
Then add in the other potential, grisly factors, Say she gets a beau, a man coming into her house because he loves the Mum ...do you think the Romeo doesn't see one angry little customer in the kid? See his rival in the SON? The statistic is that the new man and the son will eventually square off. But here's the most pressing statistical reason to stay with your first husband. A WOMAN alone who's gotten older, like in her sixties, is not ATTRACTIVE to her own children. She is tragic. She provokes huge pain in them when they look at her .Trust me, they will move, they'll change cities. Their grandchildren will be far away. A woman alone doesn't have the money to visit her grandchildren. She will grow up a hermit, never seeing her own grandchildren
QUESTION: How did you survive, because I read all your articles and saw your own story, and that's basically IT, you walked out on a Spanish Hubby in Mexico City and came back to the USA with four kids.
ANSWER: He was a Scorpio & put a gun to my head and said he'd kill us all if I didn't. That's the main reason. Second, I have a basically creative and sunny LEO rising Sun in Aquarius Moon in Sag YANG SIGN disposition. Intellectual, a writer. I read a lot. I'm no soppy moonchild, broody Scopio, sadsack PISCES.
I'm interested in drama, novel writing, also psychology --the mainstay of which is SAD STORIES!. I'm interested in family mental health and the raising of young people to avoid trouble, so I STUDY these sad things for a reason. And I always have faith in the fact that HAPPY FAMILIES are in the greater number.
WILLIAM JAMES said it: "Civilization is a stream with banks.The stream is sometimes filled with blood from people killing, stealing, shouting and doing the things historians usually record, while on the banks, unnoticed, people build homes, make love, raise children, sing songs." William James, 19th century American writer, psychologist, educator.
Of course that doesn't find its way into the drama, does it? Happy families are all alike, (that's a quote too. Some dramatist complained that way once.) Was it Ibsen? No. Thank God for Google " Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." Leo Tolstoy, in Anna Karenina, Chapter 1, first line!
Well, there's a classic book with exactly that story! Woman straying and all. So was Madame Bovary that story. In novels we tend to find 'worst case scenarios.' Perhaps in no more than 10% of humanity do we find these tragic, WEIRD, SORRY-ASS tearjerker DRAMAS and CONVOLUTED PLOTS of unhappy people who are shipwrecked. The way Anna Karenina or Emma Bovary was. Those tragedies are way less common in real life.
But you ask, how do I STAY HAPPY? I stayed happy while raising those four as I carried them along on my life making a living in a cottage industry. We worked the Renaissance Faire telling fortunes. We traveled to beaches to fish and fill the freezer. Also, my character is such that I love the drama, the novel the screenplay and can imagine our adventures as hiarious novels and the sad part of my life, the cheating screenwriter boyfriend, my clients the twit movie stars as bittersweet short stories or novelas. I studied their lives and mine, running an out of hte home astrology practice, and mounted the findings in book plots as WARNINGS to society. DO NOT GO THIS WAY. So I drag my hands thru manure all day like a farmer, trying to create the perfect fruiting tree or flowering plant......which humans can USE for nutriment ---ergo manure doesn't scare or bother me. Even my own! People are either tragediennes or comediennes, depending on which of the two mounts is predominant on the hand, See PALMREADING SEMINAR. Neither is better than the other, but I am comedy only so I could see the high hilarity in every sad event.
But lemme tell you, being a hermit and a remote Grandma is sad. I look at pictures of my gorgeous granddaughter who is in Hawaii and know something's missing from my life.
So end of argument, compare the middle aged woman alone, living with no income, maybe if she's lucky a pension...but very poor, can't travel to Hawaii, that's for sure. Compare her to the woman who heads a whole clan, the way they do in INDIA, a busy wife who's cooking a feast every single night for a dozen people and sitting down to eat with happy people enjoying her feast. Every family in INDIA has a jolly FATHER present as a titular head, telling the jokes at the table. He's perhaps still bringing home money. He's certainly in charge of dispersing it. Abundance reigns in this house. Many of the children are married and they have moved nearby to create satellite families but they come home every weekend for dinner. MOM is an honored fixture not only in that house but in the community. They have family friends, give parties on holidays, travel to interesting places as a group to recreate and build memories.
That grandmother will grow old but all of her children will come to see her, honor her and place the grandbabies on her knee, or leave baby there for day care which THEY will never DO IF MOM lives ALONE in some sad apartment that's like a mausoleum. The children and grandchildren are attracted to that big house and garden! EVERY CELEBRATION there has bouquets, servants cooking, mom/dad at a table full of food and a party feeling. Kids suck that kind of thing up.
The grand mother who is alone MOST LIKELY will not see her children on any holiday. The kids live l00 to a thousand miles away. They won't even send a gift or a card. GUILT AND SORROW provoke their SHYING AWAY from any thought of Mom as it brings up negative feelings. They all suspect that grandma is rattling around that rented room, hobbling around, arthritis in her hands, bent spine, thinning, tangled hair, no friends. She must be BORED OUT OF HER HEAD and is going to be NEEDY. Shine that! And ya know what? Mostly that's an accurate picture!
She is utterly alone. She lost all her friends the day of the divorce. WHAT family friend-couple wants some sadsack divorced woman coming to their parties? Wives are terrified of a single woman with needs. They utterly cut her out of the fabric of society.
She's old; she can't get a new mate. On the other hand, the recently divorced HUBBY CAN. Hubby has a 30 yr old babe on his arm so he goes to everybody's party and the husbands leer and wives know that the girl isn't a loose cannon, she's not free. She's got newly Free freddie on her elbow though.
That hubby with the Babe may not get the grandkids over to his luxury apartment much either as he has this new trick around but hey, he doesn't need grandkids. My own divorced Daddy the playboy once demanded that I never show up with the four grandkids piling out of my beat up car so as not to reveal to his neighbors that he was a grandpa. I've seen being banned up close and personal. So the family circle goes totally to hell for decades afterwards. My dad married some young girl, had two children with her before the girl died of alcohol, children who thought he was around fifty when he was truly eightyfive. Their brains were tweaked!
TEN REASONS NOT TO DIVORCE, NOT TO LEAVE THE S.O.B
10.) Pension for life. In USA Soc. Security Admin. requires l0 yrs with him to get widow's pension. 9 Yrs 364 days doesn't cut it. No pension if under the l0 yr mark.
9.) Daddy's exit leaves big hole in children's lives. They may not feel about him as you do. They may miss holiday dinners with him.
8.) You can have more fun with him there, if you get it while he's at work.
7.) Earning huge rent by yourself is a bitch. Makes you old, bitter.
6.) Grown children never visit a Mom who's alone. Or who has a stepdad in the house; they don't trust those grandkids TO that stepdad for more than a dinner hour. You'll never seen your grandchildren, ever.
5.) The New Girl whom Daddy marries will scorn your children completely, give them an inferiority complex, make the boys hate women forever. It starts your girl children into being bitches to women, infected by contagion. Starts sons into being woman haters.
4.) The Stepfather living with Mom can never love those children. The Bhagavad Gita said it best, 2,000 years ago, "the mother who takes a new man to be father to her children is her child's worst enemy."
3.) Social Cachet for divorced women is lower than newly spread manure. Married women, even if to a bum, are thought of as saints or at least women of substance.
2.) Ten years is about what it takes to crank up a writing career. Short story classes, Novel classes, Getting an agent, Getting short stories published. Read 'A ROOM OF ONE'S OWN" by Virginia Woolfe.
1.) TOP REASON FOR NOT GETTING A DIVORCE? WRINKLES, Insomnia, Depression, Panic, Anxiety from the above 9.
Trust me, DIVORCE is the anathema of a happy society. Antithetical, same meaning. Divorce may be necessary if a husband is cruel, drunk, pedophiliac or criminal but only in those extreme cases.And for that last, just put everything you own into your name only.
Of course, I know you don't have any of that in Holland.
Let's work this out. There's more
to stake here than just US!
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