HOW TO GET YOURSELF A SYNDICATED NEWSPAPER COLUMN called “ADVICE TO THE LOVELORN. 

First, get a website online for 5$ a month, call it THE LOVE GURU or APHRODITE’s DESK, GET SEVERAL OF YOUR GIRLFRIENDS to write you an email with their love problem. Answer it in print. I do my articles that way working on internet with back and forth emails so I could so something that sounded like NEWSPAPER ADVICE TO THE LOVELORN--- I  go back and forth with different exchanges.

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DEAR LOVELORN COLUMN

I married at age 20, am now 35. Hubby is 45. For the last 9 years of the marriage he’s taken me for granted, was verbally abusive (not in front of our two young sons, I’m glad to report.) Anyway, I gained a lot of weight and my self esteem went in the crapper. I decided I was not sure I was staying with this guy so am going to school to be hair stylist and I make some cash doing ladies’ haircuts in my kitchen! I no longer see him much, we are on opposite shifts. He sleeps in another bedroom because he snores SO bad and he won’t try anything for it. Since starting school I have been losing weight and taking an interest in myself once again. I must say- while I still have weight to lose, I am looking pretty good. Other men now seem to notice me. Hubby is noticing too but now, all of a sudden, he can’t get it up for our weekly Saturday night thing. What is goin’ on here? Signed, Ambivilant. 

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DEAR AMBIVALENT. This gives me the feeling that as you get prettier, more confident, more sure of yourself, you TWO are headed for a showdown ....the victim is no longer the victim and the abuser has to apologize, own up or lose you. HE KNOWS what he’s done. He knows he’s guilty of mistreating you when you were fatter. You had no recourse then. You were like a dog tied to a pole in the yard. NOW, with a thin body and some job training, you look perky, happy, young and you earn cash and are powerful and can break the rope, leap the fence and take your pups with you. THIS IS very NERVOUS-making for him. AND any latent rage in you is timing itself to EXPLODE at the moment when you judge you’re ready to be autonomous. I wouldn't keep any loaded guns in the house. Does he have those big hunting knives that OJ had? I never recommend a woman leave a hubby if there are children, especially SONS. You ride it out til they go away to college. Snoring is not a deal breaker. The abuse has stopped, right? So my advice: a.) wait it out. B.) Save your money from hair in a secret bank account, a trusted sister keeps the passbook and it’s in her name. When those kids hit l8, you’ll need it for a downpayment on a house. Most men demand you sell the house, each gets half. C.) eat no starches, no bread, nothing made of wheat so that you keep a girlish waistline into your forties when you’ll probably attract another hubby. Signed, Auntie Anita

DEAR Auntie, No guns here and I took his knife to hair cutting school. What you say is true. I am feeling about ready to leave the guy but am sticking around till done with school and for the kids sake. What do you make of this, and his not getting it up? I think he is getting it on the side. Do you? I will be done with school in April 05, then I can make some real money. (profession you can get money in after l yr schooling??) Will I be better off heading out on my own, taking my two young sons with me of course, or hanging around with him because it means a back up $ plan? Signed, Less Ambivilant Every Minute!

DEAR LESS AMBIVALANT: Staying or leaving DEPENDS on whether you can forgive his earlier bad treatment and whether he can get on his knees and beg for forgiveness, cuz right now,you are on a long slow trajectory toward kicking him in the nuts.

You are a classic case where you should be flirting your way thin. HANDSOME young men around you make you more active, more hormonal. That, plus all the nature walks you take with these guys on campus and at the lake and shore will really thin you down. It’s nice to make certain that you are a hit at age 35 especially on a campus. It's your future so I'd carefully research if indeed a new hubby awaits you because it also sounds as if the lummox attracts you, weirdly, in spite of his evil behavior. And that if he COULD function, you don’t mind his hands on you. You seem to like his SKIN, and throbbing love muscle, just not his ulnar throbbing snoring thingie. I know that his previous BELITTLING of you really stings. What were his exact insulting words, the ones he used most? I mean 'bitch, clean the house I pay for clean" isn't really a deal breaker.My husband used to say that all the time. That I didn’t mind. But when he hit me, I left with the four kids.

You care about him. YOU CARE if he’s getting it elsewhere. Truth is he MAY NOT be doing anything sexual at all, anywhere. At forty men slow down. You two are not having a lot of intimacy so Saturday nite comes as a ‘surprise,’ an ‘out of nowhere’ event with mechanical features to it. It’s not like you’re hanging around one another getting that itch, that slow burn.

Fill me in on what I ask. AGE OF KIDS. Don’t you think a child wants his poppa for a few more xmases? NOT that you have a lotta time left to nail a new man. 35 is cutting the ham close to the bone! So STAY THERE!!

Ms. Ambivalent read this, wrote back" My babies are 3 and 8. AM I STUCK WITH HIM until they go to college?

I took pity. " NO dear, it doesn’t mean you’re stuck with him. HE’S AWFUL. YOUR kids have NO TASTE at all to love him! They should be punished for their taste by having their only father in this lifetime sent to go live with a barroom blonde his own speed, some gum chewing, chain smoking bimbo....And when they go visit dad for six months, they can learn all sorts of useful things about the weird subculture in this country and then grow up to be anthropologists.

BUT Let me say this about my perceptions on the sins of man. I myself was not born a witch. I was once a wife. I however, began to see my husband's lack of languaging skills as troubling. I left my hubby, took the four kids in the car, drove for six days and raised them thereafter myself in a far away place. I feel like confiding and letting THIS MONTH be an example of what the last thirty years were like raising them. THIS MONTH, I couldn't pay all of MAY RENT and I'M LATE ON JUNE. Can be evicted any second, legally. ALL planting here belongs to landlord and he would love to raise the rent and have new tenants eat my grapes, nectarines, peaches, plums, mulberries. LOVEIT. I HAVE BEEN EVICTED three times from homes. ONCE with marshals with guns taking me and my son out to the street TO BE HOMELESS. That child went into a mental hospital 5 yrs ago. Still is there, finally coming down on his doses of meds.

LIFE is harder than you know. WHEN you are weary and have flu and have to give a permanent or a dye job. When you are sick as a dog and have to work 5 or 6 days a week and dodge landlords, AND YOUR KIDS are crying for daddy, YOU MAY REALIZE that any humor I give to my answers isn't really a laugh. ANOTHER LIFETIME you get the whole pinata. YOU PICKED HIM this lifetime. THIS GUY. There was no tag on him that said within thirty years if this critter turns flatulent, bossy, you get to return him and the kids. Are you STUCK WITH HIM? Not for a minute but STUCK with those KIDS? YES. If it weren’t for them, you could lose the weasel. WITH THEM, why would you want to?

NOW, as I'm in L.A. people expect fairy nostrums from me. Like a mantra that will make him meet the barroom blonde next week. I can’t do that. The onus is on you. Let me put it this way. YOU are in a critical crossroads in your life now. You have come to dislike your mate whom you went and had children with. You want to dump him and dump the kids having a resident father. Can I stop you for just a second?You have second sight. Use it now. The man you jeer at, whom you want to leave, has a vulnerable body. He is not strong. HE is gross, in comparison to your energies. He is a little but maybe NOT AS MUCH LIGHT is in him because he gives a lot of vitality and light to his JOB, to earning the money for you and the kids. (But then, sensing she wanted California magique from me, I said” --

YOUR ETHERIC body glows with a brightly colored rainbow vitality. It is an actual ‘twin’ to your own physical body, an etheric twin. it is your SOUL BODY. Feel it around you, the brilliant BLUE of truth evident to you, the GREEN of physical well being, the GLOWING oranges and golds of joy, the capacity to laugh.

But IN THIS rainbow there is one color predominant now. A GLOWING RED of anger. An ICY WHITE hole of blankness, a patch of compassionate white, of denial, hiding a little dark spot....THE WHITE is turned off, heartless and made of ICE. And there’s too much ice and red stuff now, you look like a strawberry sundae. Ask the red color to leave the aura and black spots will have to disappear, too, (the plotting, the plans for revenge.) and the rainbow will slide in and take the place of the icy white places where there is FROZEN ice HIDING from view an inner secret, a vengeance, a darkness. Red is the color of murder. It’s easy to find. It makes you want to leave him, kidnap the kids so he really knows what pain is.If you can start by erasing that, and get to the true feelings, pull off the white ice that hides what’s really going on, you’ll find that you and he are God and Goddess, under the blubber and wrath and really do love one another. SOME SENSE OF WOUND at his ugly words lingers, I know but this is really some primal wound done to you as a child, a very old wound from someone who didn’t respect you or love you when you were a baby. Don’t make Poor sweet hubby feel guilty for the early blow, the maybe even worse and more INTENDED blow that someone else did to you when you were a loving baby. THAT sting, that scar of rejection is what’s hiding under the rage at him. THE WOUND of someone unloved. YOu know your own history. Can you trust that your rage is toward the appropriate offender? RAGE HIDES for years. SOMEONE misused you once. Now you loathe being misused. Someone didn't appreciate. NOW you hate him for your own scar tissue.

FIND the old feelings, get them to come out in a passion, a weeping, the wound is AN UNMET NEED. CONTACT the unmet need thru primaling. I write on how to do it at  “HEALING A WOUNDED FRIEND" The idea is to PRIMAL or achieve emotional release, purging of negativity. Do it, the  dark spots will flee. When you’ve done that work, Look at his etheric body, with your higher sight. Imagine you can see that second, twin, the soul body, just outside of his real, physical body, that hunched over, twisted, crippled barely able to walk his body corpulent, smelly, maybe even near death.

THERE IS a feeble little magenta light around the crotch. He knows it’s all he has left. Cigarettes have destroyed all his energy. Pigging out on bad food, eating dead bodies all the time, nothing much else. Take responsibility. You could have made tofu burgers, but you fed himbodies.. He is fanning the last flame he has. He has no colors anywhere. He’s ignorant and doesn’t know he has will power to create light in his body thru what he eats, thinks. So he’s only got a pilot light left. LEAVE IT TO HIM. In fact, occasionally fan it for him. Like you’d help a demented child to play with a stupid toy. Do not make laws for this demented, sick person’s universe. WORRY ONLY ABOUT YOUR OWN universe. THOSE KIDS are in your care. The hard years in AMERICA have NOT STARTED YET. Do not banish someone who is an asset from the kids’ life. They will need DAD. Have a heart as there are kids involved.“ signed, the Love Witch

SHE wrote me back. “Don’t tell me I have to endure a few more years of this! I just can’t stand him, I can’t forgive him for being so gross. Life is too bleak.” I told her, then the last recourse open to her was to bite the bullet and insure his life heftily, pay the premiums and give himthe porkchop diet, or slow-mo murder! Serve him bacon, eggs at breakfast, ham sand or corned beef with full fat at lunch, and steak or chops at dinner, with chocolate fudge cake after every meal. He won’t last a year. THE GUY in the MC Donalds documentary was at death’s door after a mere 30 days on a very similar diet! “ She wrote back that’s what he liked to eat. I told her to supersize his life insurance then supersize him on the porkchop and fudgecake diet. But as I have a heart, I warned her:
 

SHOOTING DOWN A GREAT IDEA (a POME)
 

When we porkchop a mate to another dimension

we live in a condition of karmic apprehension

the road to hell can BE paved with lard

and to get a mate to slide down it sure isn't HARD.

But what I hate to see is your sad face knowing

the cause and effect of every served meal.

While I very much want to see him GOING...

I want you to stay innocent, full of appeal.

You don't want to join the legions of shrikes

hard hearted, mean gals who did it with knives

And a porkchop though soft and rubbery

still is as lethal for men already so blubbery.

I think that murder, done in slow-mo at mealtime

Can make changes in US, that show up in real time.

Our faces get wide eyed, our conscience gets hard.

So I can't recommend slow death by lard.

Cuz as you'd require, plastic surgery after.

I think you should plan on murder by laughter.

Put a mirror in bedroom and get him to strip.

Then get tall black boots, a holster and whip.

At least when the cops finally come

You can claim 'twas consensual stuff with the bum
And if There's no way  but to live with the sport.

When the kids turn twenty, take him to court !

 
When you have a few sample columns, print them out, put in a large envelope, flat not folded, with resume, photo of you, and submit to the editors at different small newspapers. It helps to be giving a LOVE SEMINAR in town, even if you produce it only.INSTRUCTIONS HERE AT “GIVE GROUP” website page. Or, build your psychologist as a writer of SYNDICATED COLUMNS.DO the submission work, give seminars, you make a huge living. L.A. LOVE GURU Dr. PAT ALLEN did it in my town, (she’s a sassy, funny, wise ole broad,) got a HIT BOOK AND A RADIO SHOW!,SHE EARNS MILLIONS. READ HER BOOK, “GETTING TO I DO” available at ABEBOOKS used for a buck.. 
 

NOTE: THE LOVE WITCH welcomes your questions. ALL will be answered in FILES like this either sent to you or pub. on my website, until we find a newspaper syndicator! NO real names will be used.I went that route once and got SUED. I used her email addie name, FLAME MC BAIN. And you should CLICK on that and read this hilarious episode…..but odd thing. Judge Judy salaries the people in her court. I got half my rent handed to me. MAN I LOVED IT and I WON and FLAME lost. She lost as the law on name using doesn’tinclude fictitious monikers.

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Our POSTER is ANITA SANDS HERNANDEZ, Los Angeles Writer, Researcher, Mother of 4 and career Astrologer. Catch up with her websites  TRUTHS GOV WILL HIDE & NEVER TELL YOU, also The  FUTURE, WHAT'S COMIN' AT YA! FRUGAL LIFE STYLE TIPS,  HOW TO SURVIVE the COMING GREAT DEPRESSION, and Secrets of Nature, HOLISTIC, AFFORDABLE HEALING. Also ARTISANRY FOR EXPORT, EARN EUROS.. Anita is at astrology@earthlink.net ). Get a 35$ natal horoscope "my money/future life" reading now + copy horoscope as a Gif file graphic! No smarter, more accurate career reading out there!

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