THE MARRIED MAN, PRO's and CON's
by Kim Bright (found online)
No little girl ever stood in front of her kindergarten class and said:
'When I grow up, I want to have a boyfriend who is married to
someone else. I want to spend all my birthdays, holidays, and weekends
alone. I want to spend my free time with family who feel sorry for me
because I'm still not married and never bring a boyfriend home or
with friends I can't tell about what my life is really like.
No little girl said "I want to have trouble looking people in the eye. I want to feel
that I am living a nightmare, violating all my personal values, and betraying the morals
I was taught by my parents. I want to feel second best. I want to go
through crises like scary, unexpected medical tests alone, because I
can't call or text my boyfriend before 9:00 a.m. or after 6:00
p.m. Monday through Friday.
I want to be strung along for years with empty promises of a future with
my boyfriend, living as a real couple who can walk down Main Street
at noon holding hands. I want to feel so horrible that I isolate myself
from people close to me, anything spiritual, any hobbies that bring me
joy and peace. I want to alienate good, available single men because
I can't concentrate on anything but the possibility of me and my
married boyfriend being together any day now. And that state of HOPE
persists until I have lost my beauty and youth through self-neglect and constant
chronic shame and stress. ' Even at a resort, I'm looking around to see who
recognizes him and spots me and dials his wife.
Somewhere between wanting to be ballerinas, princesses, rock stars
actresses, veterinarians, presidents, and ninjas, too many otherwise
intelligent, sweet-souled women allow their lives to be hijacked by sex addict,
bored, restless, unsatisfied, narcissistic married men. These dopes willingly
join the ranks of society's most hated people. Yes. Homewreckers are
classified with subgroups like child molesters, necrophiliacs, shoplifters, rapists,
murderers, torturers, cannibals, embezzlers and terrorists. Women who are top of
their classes, the best in their fields, will mysteriously turn off their common sense
and intuition when it comes to 'their' married man (from now
on referred to as MM).
A modicum of experience will reveal that MM's are eerily similar.
They pretty much say and do the same things, without variation,
almost as if there were a memo circulating about what
they should say to keep their girlfriends around or a
playbook issued at some point around age 30. Why are these men straying
in the first place and dragging perfectly nice women into their troubled
lives? Because they seek the firing up of their gonads and hearts in
a paroxysm of CRUSH and DESIRE. The wife is like comfy old
The most common pitches (along with excerpts from
actual personals ads in which they self-identify as married men) are:
1. THE NEGLECTED VICTIM Their wives changed drastically after their first
child (or first million dollars) -- from fun-loving, attractive, attentive minxes
who cooked wonderfully to overbearing, angry, frumpy, asexual harpies who
only want to shop.
Of course, the MM has done absolutely EVERYTHING he could think of
to please this cold, complaining she-beast, even suggested marriage
counseling, sex toys, and those over-the-counter herbal supplements that
are supposed to help women's sex drive, but his efforts have been
met with nothing but rejection. This, of course, has worn away at the
aging MM until he has literally been forced to reach out for any crumb
of affection from any source (preferably trustworthy, discreet, younger,
drug and disease-free, and height/weight proportional). Don't you
feel sorry for him? Doesn't your innate female competitiveness
make you want to win this man? 'I have a good family life'
'...not getting the attention I need at home' 'I miss the touch
of a woman.' 'I am a real man with real man needs.'
I just need it, oh I don't know... a few times a week? Hold still for me gal. I'm gonna plant this need for lust in YOU who will become addicted to me, emotionally, sexually, because illicit sex is so edgy. So unique. So hot. Ahhhhhhhhhhh. (Sizzle) Just what you needed. A new addiction. You dig being perverse, it's hot. Doing wrong. Being bad. Contagious, isn't it...
2. THE ENTITLED ONE He is rich, successful, and very, very busy. He is gone most of the time and when he is home, his wife is too busy and exhausted to lavish him with attention. In exchange for being on call when they happen to have a free moment and are in town, a lovely young girlfriend will receive presents, occasional financial help, career assistance, vacations, and occasional nights out to events probably related to his job, such as entertaining important people at expensive restaurants, concerts, exclusive clubs, sporting events, etc. This MM doesn't try to justify wanting to have an affair anymore than he would justify buying a Rolex, because his basic attitude is 'Screw everybody. I'm rich.' 'Let's make the time all about us and what we want for a change.' '...looking for some company while I am in town on business this week.' 'I don't get all the attention I need.'
3. THE BORED ONE He dearly loves his wife and says so frequently, but there is simply 'no sexual spark' anymore. This is the only thing missing in an otherwise perfect marriage, and he has no intention of leaving his marriage ever. They're such great buddies that even if she did find out about his philandering, she'd probably keep him around. Still... if you would like to be invited over to his empty house/office/expense account hotel room when it's convenient for him and play, he's willing to overlook his perfect marriage to the perfect wife for a few hours. '...looking for fun, excitement and passion' '...bored, need sex a little more than once every couple weeks.' '...just looking for something new and exciting.' 'I am happy with my marriage but looking for excitement and passion again.' '...want that butterflies feeling in my stomach again.' '...need special friend to chat and trade pics with.' '...just want discreet NSA [no-strings attached].' '...not looking to change my situation.' '...not looking for a relationship, just good times and pleasing each other.' 'Aunt Flo is in town for the week...' 'While we try to work at it, we are just lousy lovers together.' 'I love my wife -- that might be ironic but it's true.' '...need to get my adrenaline pumping.' --'just need some affection.' 'I am not looking to change my situation (all other aspects of my life are awesome), so I'm not looking to break anyone else up.' '...don't want to change my world, but would change for sure my daytime level of fun.' 'Just know I have no intention of leaving the wife. She just can't do it for me.' 'Married for 10 years and want to keep it that way but very frustrated sexually.' 'Have no illusions, I am not leaving the wife ever. This is just a sex thing.'
4. THE MARTYR He and his wife are only together for the children. They live separate lives, don't sleep in the same bed, and the very day their youngest child graduates from high school (or college...or grad school), he will move out and file for divorce. His bleak descriptions of his home life are probably greatly exaggerated to elicit as much sympathy as possible: '...not happy at home but can't leave because of kids.' '...haven't had sex in almost 5 years.' '...fill a need for me while I stay on course with the rest of my life.' '...wife is done with sex.' '...wife doesn't want sex anymore.' 'Tired of being married but alone.' '...wife won't let me do the fun stuff' '...not getting sex at home.' 'She's not interested in any kinky activities -- not even remotely.' 'Here I am stuck in the prime of my life and I just don't want to sit here in 20 years wishing I had done things differently.' 'I want to feel alive again. :
5. THE CLOSET SWINGER This MM is usually secretly gay or bisexual and engages in some very risky behaviors, such as going to swingers clubs, truck stops, bath houses/gyms, or posting ads on multiple personals sites, sometimes even posting actual pictures of his face and using his real e-mail address and name. They are often sex addicts who want anonymous sex with as many partners as possible as opposed to a secret long-term relationship with one woman. A girlfriend is simply a swinging partner, someone to help him get into some of the couples-only clubs. 'Open-minded' usually means having no limits or boundaries whatsoever. 7. THE BRAGGART The braggadocio and salesmanship of this MM are unparalleled. His amazing superhuman sex drive, his sexual skills, and superior equipment are all going to waste, ladies. He'll even provide the nauseatingly detailed description and photographs to prove it. It is a damn shame. Leaving him more or less celibate is like hiding a mint-condition Ferrari in a locked garage. Won't you help?
'Wife can't keep up with my sex drive.' 'I have a large sexual appetite.' 'I have a high sex drive and I am tired of just masturbating to get over it.' If only all MM's were as forthright and up-front about their intentions as some of these seekers, and continued to be, there would be a lot fewer devastated women. Unfortunately, many are too cheap to just buy an Ashley Madison membership and too deceitful to tell a trusting younger woman that there is actually no future in their relationship. Some MM's even manage to lie about being married at all until the woman is so far in love with him she's not thinking clearly anymore. A surprising number of MM's try to pass themselves off as single (or separated or 'going through a divorce') as soon as they are 100 miles from home.
A FIELD GUIDE TO SPOTTING MARRIED MEN - Besides the cliched tell-tale sign of a newly removed wedding ring ('liar's line'), it's not difficult to flush out the married men at parties, nightclubs, hotel bars, conventions, or major sporting events. Here are a few things to look for:
a) Grooming. Yes, there has been a metrosexual grooming fad for some
time now, but most single straight guys haven't taken it up. If a man is amazingly well dressed,
stylish, groomed to the point of having a better manicure than yours,
chances are good that a wife is responsible. (Probably not his mother
unless his clothes are all from Walmart's menswear's sale rack).
b) Underwear. If a wife packed her husband's suitcase for a business
trip, she would not pack his sexy underwear, if he even owns any. On the
other hand, single guys hoping to score pay special attention to
purposely wearing expensive, designer underwear, usually black. A single
Mexican gardener who makes minimum wage will still manage to come up
with $60 to buy Calvin Klein drawers.
c) Vague Answers to Normal Questions. He is cagey about where he lives,
even if he meets a new woman while on the road.
He won't say 'I live in Calabasas, California. It's about 40 minutes
west of L.A.'; he will say 'I live near Lake Tahoe' and hope the woman
has no sense of geography outside her own state.
d) Weird Hours. He is only available at unusual times. For example, you can only see him at 2:00 a.m. on a
Saturday at a dive bar you have never heard of, or only during business
hours during the week. You're pretty sure he doesn't work
third shift, but you're not 100% certain because he hasn't
actually told you where he works either. Just that he's 'in
e) Restrictions. He obviously doesn't want you to
call or text him. Ever. This means Mama is keeping close track of his
cell phone records and he doesn't have a second secret stealth
phone. You also can never meet anywhere that a normal couple would meet,
like the busy Starbucks down the street. You are expected to drive out
to some godforsaken town you've never heard of and meet at a
tavern called 'The Alley Cat Lounge' at 10:00 p.m. on a
f) Crappy Gifts. His gifts to you for your birthday, Christmas,
or Valentine's Day are chintzy, especially considering how wealthy
he purports to be. That's because the money he used to buy you a
gift had to be carefully siphoned off his regular expenses as cash and
socked away over several weeks. To sum up: pretty much all the warning
signs you already know about telling whether or not a guy is a drug
dealer or in the Mafia also apply to weeding out MM's. (P.S. I know
one MM who gave his longtime galpal a gift purloined from his wife's
antique store, a small chain-weave purse for all the money he never gave her)
HAPPY MISTRESSES Not all women involved in an extramarital relationship are miserable. There are Other Women who are genuinely happy being the mistress of a MM and have no qualms about the lifestyle. They are in the minority of Other Women, to be sure, but they do exist, and their rank include tough-minded, pragmatic broads like Katharine Hepburn, Lady Annabel Goldsmith, Elizabeth Taylor, Angelina Jolie, Carla Bruni,
Camilla Parker-Bowles, and Queen Elizabeth I.(UPDATE: bruni married president Sarkozy, Camilla Prince Charles.)
Happy mistresses may be single mothers with young children who do not want to remarry, busy
career women, artists who need solitude and space to create, or simply
women with full lives who prefer being alone in their rare free moments.
The MM doesn't take up much space in her life. She may adore him
but not be so in love with him that he consumes her every waking moment.
She may love him deeply but figured out after six months that he really
wasn't leaving his wife, decided that was just fine with her, and
stayed in the relationship. She may even be married and not want to
leave her marriage. For whatever reason -- cultural, temperamentally,
philosophically -- they don't have to contort their life views and
ethics in order to live as Other Women. Their lives are free of panic
attacks, meltdowns, tearful confessions to friends, and guilt-riddled
chronic insomnia. Being second best, even nominally, doesn't put
even the slightest ding in their pride.
RESCUE ME: WHITE KNIGHTS AND FAIRY TALE ENDINGS
For married Other Women, an affair is more about
escapism and possibly an actual exit plan than regular illicit sex
(without having to worry about the laundry afterwards). MM's are
good at appearing to be everything a typical husband is not after a few
years, at least not with his own wife -- attentive, funny, charming,
spontaneous, thoughtful, romantic, witty, playful. This is not difficult
to accomplish if the sum of your interactions in one week consist of 10
texts, one two-hour meeting in person, and one 15-minute emotionally
fraught telephone conversation on the way home from work on Friday.
Chances are he has put a lot of hours into listening to the Other Woman
vent about her husband, so MM knows exactly how to play this. He comes
off looking like a prince. He empathizes, shares tales of woe about his
own tragic marriage, and better yet, claims to want to rescue the
unhappily married woman. According to the MM, he will find a way to
leave his wife and rescue his poor girlfriend from her
boorish/grouchy/absent/overbearing/neglectful husband. They will ride
off into the sunset together -- soon -- and they will be so obviously
happy and in love that all the people who might otherwise have censured
them for acting so selfishly -- including children, family, ex-in-laws,
and friends -- will magnanimously wish them well. There are, without a
doubt, wives in abusive relationships who would like to bolt but
don't have enough money saved yet to survive on their own and pay
all of the legal fees that go along with a divorce. Some of these wives
may well fall in love with another man while they are plotting and
squirreling away money. An affair can give them hope to carry on for
another dismal day until they can make their break. The mistake is
expecting the MM to help with this escape in any way. The MM who
promises her the moon is more likely to fail her on the cusp of her
independence than to be a white knight. He can 'dream out
loud' all day long ('When we're together, we'll
spend every New Year's Eve in Barbados with all our
kids'), but when it comes to merciless reality, he is a piss-poor
life coach. Eva believed her MM's promises to help her implement a
plan to leave her alcoholic husband. Her MM, also her boss, convinced
Eva to stop going to Al-Anon meetings because she wouldn't need
them anymore 'real soon.' Eva and her MM opened a joint bank
account in which to hide money. They looked at rental houses,
apartments, and mobile homes together. She met his biological family and
his children. They both consulted divorce lawyers together. Eva even
confessed to her husband that she would be leaving him soon because of
his drinking and had found another man. But nothing happened. He never
put quite as much money in the account as he had promised. There was
never quite enough cash on hand to put down a damage deposit on an
apartment plus the first month's rent. There was always another
financial crisis in his life. His wife spent $8000 on items from the QVC
shopping channel in one month, wiping out their cash reserves. His
step-daughter's wedding dress from Saks cost $5000, and there was
still the rest of the wedding and reception to pay for. His account did
his business taxes incorrectly and now he was being sued by the IRS. His
house was supposedly being foreclosed on but his wife didn't want
to go back to work. She wanted to babysit her first grandchild, and MM
didn't object very vociferously. Eva saw in the local paper that
$10,000 had been stolen from MM's wife's on-line bank
account. How could their house be in foreclosure if the wife had that
much money saved up? When MM took his portion of the balance out of the
secret account to buy his wife a new set of tires and a AAA membership,
Eva gave up. Having told everyone she was leaving her husband for
another man, she now felt like someone who had failed at a suicide
attempt and woke up in the Emergency Room instead of dying: bewildered,
embarrassed, in terrible pain and surrounded by people who demanded an
explanation. She quit her job at MM's failing company, withdrew
her portion of the account, and bought a plane ticket to Minnesota for
her husband, so he could check into Hazelden, one of the toughest drug
and alcohol treatment centers in the country. Eva and her newly sober
husband eventually reconciled. MM, however, did not go quietly. He
refused to believe that Eva could walk away from their relationship, the
one he had hidden from his wife and in-laws so well, and began stalking
her like a character from a bad Lifetime Movie Network film. A chunk of
her first paycheck at her new job went to pay a lawyer to write MM a
cease-and-desist-contact letter. The fantasy of a new life, full of all
the wonderful dreams that never quite panned out previously, is tempting
when leaving a dysfunctional marriage. But what a newly divorced woman
actually needs is time and space to heal, therapy, good female friends,
self-care, her own interests and hobbies, and an ongoing spiritual
practice. NOT another man.
UNINTENDED CONSEQUENCES Aside from learning
how to drink a gallon of wine on Valentine's Day and still make it
to work the next morning, lie and hide like a Cold War-era double agent,
endure situational depression and career suicide, and invent yet another
excuse for showing up at Thanksgiving dinner alone, here are a few of
the unexpected consequences to being involved with a MM: Kelly found the
guilt surrounding having sex with a married man so crushing that she
began having physical symptoms. Her hair started falling out. She was
unable to fall asleep without medication or heavy alcohol consumption.
She developed a stomach ulcer and chronic migraine headaches. She
describes the condemnation she felt on a daily basis as 'like
having a swarm of hornets buzzing around in my head, stinging me, all
day.' When she finally left her MM after a battle royale, her
health miraculously improved immediately. Mary actually sustained a neck
injury being shoved under a restaurant table because her married
lover's sister-in-law walked out of the lounge unexpectedly. She
estimates that she has spent $6100 on chiropractor bills. Jane, raised
by evangelical Christians, realized that she had to cut off all contact
with her MM when she found herself spending a fortune on voodoo and
Wiccan supplies in an attempt to get her MM to choose her (or for his
wife to die a sudden death). Meredith was physically as well as
emotionally bruised when her married man pushed her under the dashboard
of his Dakota Sport pick-up truck in the Fry's parking lot because
his elderly neighbor just drove by. When Meredith was arrested for
keying MM's truck outside a restaurant where MM had taken his wife
for their anniversary (and lied about it to Meredith), the police in her
small town had to retake her mug shots, because in the first set she was
smiling too much. Kathy moved to a new state to be with her MM after he
was transferred. He swore he would help her get hired by the large
corporation where he worked, but her applications and resume were simply
ignored by the HR department. She spent four years flailing away at a
variety of low-paying full and part-time jobs, waiting for him to give
her the financial help he had promised to provide until he was able to
leave his wife. MM never made good on any of his promises. Instead of
decorating the apartment they never shared, Kathy spent an afternoon in
a bankruptcy attorney's office, filling out endless paperwork to
show that she had lost all her savings and credit while waiting. Betsy
turned down excellent job opportunities, especially ones that would
enable her to travel more than ten miles from the MM's home,
because of his promise to start a new business after he filed for
divorce and hire Eva at $60,000 a year. Betsy ended up stranded in
Champaign, Illinois because her car's brakes finally died -- the ones MM told
her not to replace because they would be together 'before
Christmas' and he'd buy her a new car -- She was, of course, unable to
contact him until the next day after, of course, 9:00 a.m.And the new car
never manifested as by NEW YEARS he was tight with his wife again.
So, do you STILL LOVE MARRIED MEN? IF SO, here are some more reasons not to indulge your passion.
A,) NO OLD AGE. No widow's pension. No 'quarters' of paid into the system employment that will give you your OWN pension, either. So when your health goes at sixty or seventy you're now getting Evictions all the time, living on the street. No heat, no food, no credit.
B.) Who feeds the cats while you're in the hospital? Maria la criada? You got no criada babe. And you come back, cats are dead the silver is gone.
C.) Picture being eighty and doing your own trash barrels once a week. Dishes 3x daily, no dishwasher.
D.) Network TV GETS OLD REAL FAST. SO DO WE.
E.) Kids don't want to come visit 'poor old mom,' cuz it's too tragic. You will never see them again. There isn't a holiday fun enough or medication strong enough to deal with the depression which the sight of you all wrinkled and alone will provoke. Thus, you will never get to see your grandchildren. Big loss, too.
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