HOW TO BE A LOVE ADVICE COLUMNIST.

 First, lets suppose I got this letter:

 "DEAR LOVE LORN COLUMN --- I married at age 20, am now 35. Hubby is 45. For the last 9 years of the marriage (2 children,) he’s taken me for granted, was verbally abusive and I gained a lot of weight and my self esteem went in the crapper. Well I decided I was not sure I was staying with this guy so am going to school to be a paralegal and make 60k a year, and have for five months. Another 5 months I can seek employment in law offices. I no longer see him much, we are on opposite shifts. He sleeps in another bedroom because he snores SO bad and won’t try anything for it. Since starting school I have been losing weight and taking an interest in myself once again. I must say- while I still have weight to lose, I am looking pretty good. Other men now seem to notice me. Hubby is noticing too but now, all of a sudden, he isn't up for our weekly Saturday night romance thing. DO I GO OR STAY?

Signed, Ambivalent.

^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^

DEAR AMBIVALENT. This DIET and LAW DEGREE idea of yours gives me the feeling that as you get prettier, more confident, more sure of yourself, you TWO are headed for a showdown ....the victim is no longer the victim and the abuser has to apologize, own up or lose you. HE KNOWS what he’s done. He knows he’s guilty of mistreating you when you were fatter. You had no recourse then. You were like a dog tied to a pole in the yard. NOW, with a thin body and training, you look young and you earn and are powerful and can break the rope. THIS IS NERVOUS making for him. AND any latent rage in you is timing itself to EXPLODE at the moment when you judge you’re ready to be autonomous. I wouldn't keep any loaded guns in the house. Signed, the Witch

DEAR WITCH, No guns here and what you say is true. I am feeling about ready to leave the guy but am sticking around till done with school and for the kids sake. What do you make of this, and his not getting it up? I think he is getting it on the side. Do you? I will be done with school in April 05, then I can make some real money. (profession you can get money in after l yr schooling??) Will I be better off heading out on my own, or hanging around with him because it means a back up $ plan? Signed, Less Ambivalent Every Minute!

DEAR LESS AMBIVALENT: Staying or leaving DEPENDS on whether you can forgive his earlier bad treatment and whether he can get on his knees and beg for forgiveness, as you are on a long slow trajectory toward kicking him in the nuts.

You are a classic case where you should be flirting your way thin. HANDSOME young men around you make you more active, more hormonal. That, plus all the nature walks you take with these guys on campus and at the lake and shore will really thin you down. It’s nice to make certain that you are a hit at age 35 especially on a campus. It's your future so I'd carefully research if indeed a new hubby awaits you because it also sounds as if the lummox attracts you, weirdly, in spite of his evil behavior. And that if he COULD function, you don’t mind his hands on you. You seem to like his SKIN, and throbbing love muscle, just not his ulnar throbbing snoring thingie. AND HIS BELITTLING you really stings. What were his exact insulting words, the ones he used most? I mean 'bitch, clean the house I pay for clean" isn't really a deal breaker.

You care about him. YOU CARE if he’s getting it elsewhere. Truth is he MAY NOT be doing anything sexual at all, anywhere. At forty men slow down. You two are not having a lot of intimacy so Saturday nite comes as a ‘surprise,’ an ‘out of nowhere’ event with mechanical features to it. It’s not like you’re hanging around one another getting that itch, that slow burn.

Fill me in on what I ask. AGE OF KIDS. Don’t you think a 15 yr old child wants his poppa for a few more xmases? NOT that you have a lotta time left to nail a new man. 35 is cutting the ham close to the bone! So STAY THERE!!

Ms. Ambivalent read this, wrote back" THEN, AM I STUCK WITH HIM?"

I took pity. " NO dear, it doesn’t mean you’re stuck with him. HE’S AWFUL. YOUR kids have NO TASTE at all to love him! They should be punished for their taste by having their only father in this lifetime sent to go live with a barroom blonde his own speed, some gum chewing, chain smoking bimbo....And when they go visit dad for six months, they can learn all sorts of useful things about the weird subculture in this country and then grow up to be anthropologists.

SHE wrote me back "I CANNOT endure a DAY MORE of this! I just can’t stand him, I can’t forgive him for being so gross. Life is too bleak.” I told her, then the last recourse open to her was to bite the bullet and insure his life heftily, pay the premiums and give himthe porkchop diet, or slow-mo murder! Serve him bacon, eggs at breakfast, ham sand or corned beef with full fat at lunch, and steak or chops at dinner, with chocolate fudge cake after every meal. He won’t last a year. THE GUY in the MC Donalds documentary was at death’s door after a mere 30 days on a very similar diet! “ She wrote back that’s what he liked to eat. I told her to supersize his life insurance then supersize him on the porkchop and fudgecake diet. But as I have a heart, I warned her: 

SHOOTING DOWN A GREAT IDEA (a POME)
 

When we porkchop a mate to another dimension

we live in a condition of karmic apprehension

the road to hell can BE paved with lard

and to get a mate to slide down it sure isn't HARD.

But what I hate to see is your sad face knowing

the cause and effect of every served meal.

While I very much want to see the chum GOING...

I want you to stay innocent, full of appeal.

You don't want to join the legions of shrikes

hard hearted, mean gals who did it with knives

And a porkchop though wet, soft and rubbery

still is lethal for men so blubbery.

I think that murder, done in slow-mo at mealtime

Can make changes in us, that show up in real time.

Our faces get wide eyed, our conscience gets hard.

So I can't recommend slow death by lard.

Cuz as you'd require, plastic surgery after.

I think you should plan on murder by laughter.

Put a mirror in bedroom and get him to strip.

Then get tall black boots, a holster and whip.

At least when the cops finally come

You can claim 'twas consensual stuff with the bum
And if There's no way  but to live with the sport.

                     When the kids turn twenty, take him to court !

She didn't laugh and she didn't write back. OKAY. Let me say this about my perceptions on the sins of man. I myself was not born a witch. I was once a wife. I however, began to see my husband's smacking me around, threatening me with a gun and his lack of languaging skills as troubling. I left Don Luis Felix Hernandez, took the four kids in the car, drove for six days and raised them thereafter all by myself in a far away place. I feel like confiding and letting THIS MONTH be an example of what the last thirty years were like raising them.

THIS MONTH, I couldn't pay all of MAY RENT and I'M LATE ON JUNE. Can be evicted any second, legally. ALL planting here an orchard that I paid for, belongs to landlord and he would love to raise the rent and have new tenants eat my grapes, nectarines, peaches, plums, mulberries. I HAVE BEEN EVICTED three times from homes. ONCE with marshals with guns taking me and my son out to the street TO BE HOMELESS. That child went into a mental hospital 20 yrs ago. Still is there, finally coming down on his doses of meds.

LIFE is harder than you know. IMAGINE you have a job at a Beauty Salon. Imagine you are weary and have flu and have to give a permanent or a dye job. When you are sick as a dog and have to work 5 or 6 days a week and dodge landlords, AND YOUR KIDS are crying for daddy. You might change plans, get all NEWAGE and tell yourself that ANOTHER LIFETIME you get the whole pinata. YOU PICKED HIM this lifetime. THIS GUY. There was no tag on him that said within thirty years if this critter turns flatulent, bossy, you get to return him and the kids. Are you STUCK WITH HIM? Not for a minute but STUCK with those KIDS? YES. If it weren’t for them, you could lose the weasel. WITH THEM, why would you want to?

NOW, as I'm in L.A. people expect fairy nostrums from me. Let me put it this way. YOU are in a critical crossroads in your life now. You have come to dislike your mate whom you went and had children with. You want to dump him and dump the kids having a resident father. Can I stop you for just a second?

You have second sight. Use it now. The man you jeer at, whom you want to leave, has a vulnerable body. He is not strong. HE is gross, in comparison to your energies. He maybe does NOT have AS MUCH LIGHT  in him because he gives a lot of vitality and light to his JOB, to earning the money for you and the kids.

YOUR ETHERIC body glows with a brightly colored rainbow vitality. It is an actual ‘twin’ to your own physical body, an etheric twin. it is your SOUL BODY. Feel it around you, the brilliant BLUE of truth evident to you, the GREEN of physical well being, the GLOWING oranges and golds of joy, the capacity to laugh.

But IN THIS rainbow there is one color predominant now. A GLOWING RED of anger. An ICY WHITE hole of blankness, a patch of compassionate white, of denial, hiding a little dark spot....THE WHITE is turned off, heartless and made of ICE. And there’s too much ice and red stuff now, you look like a strawberry sundae. Ask the red color to leave the aura and black spots will have to disappear, too, (the plotting,the plans for revenge.) and the rainbow will slide in and take the place of the icy white places where there is FROZEN ice HIDING from view an inner secret, a vengeance, a darkness. Red is the color of murder. It’s easy to find. It makes you want to leave him, kidnap the kids so he really knows what pain is.

If you can start by erasing that, and get to the true feelings, pull off the white ice that hides what’s really going on. SOME SENSE OF WOUND. Some primitive wound done to you as a child, a very old wound from someone who didn’t respect you or love you when you were a baby. Don’t make Poor sweet Peter feel guilty for the really early blow, the maybe even worse and more INTENDED blow that someone else did to you when you were a loving baby. THAT sting, that scar of rejection is what’s hiding under the rage at him. THE WOUND of someone unloved. You know your own history. Can you trust that your rage is toward the appropriate offender? RAGE HIDES for years. SOMEONE misused you once. Now you loathe being misused. Someone didn't appreciate. NOW you hate that syndrome.

FIND the old feelings, get them to come out in a passion, a weeping, the wound is AN UNMET NEED. then the other dark spots will flee. When you’ve done that work, Look at his etheric body, with your higher sight. Imagine you can see that second, twin, the soul body, just outside of his real, physical body, that hunched over, twisted, crippled barely able to walk his body corpulent, smelly, maybe even near death.

THERE IS a feeble little magenta light around the crotch. He knows it’s all he has left. Cigarettes have destroyed all his energy. Bad foods, dead bodies all the time, nothing much else. He is fanning the last flame he has. He has no colors anywhere. He’s ignorant and doesn’t know he has will power to create light in his body thru what he eats, thinks. So he’s only got a pilot light left. LEAVE IT TO HIM. In facct, occasionally fan it for him. Like you’d help a demented child to play with a stupid toy. Do not make laws for this demented, sick person’s universe. WORRY ONLY ABOUT YOUR OWN universe. THOSE KIDS are in your care. The hard years in AMERICA  for them...have NOT STARTED YET. Do not banish someone who is an asset from the kids’ life. They need you, or will need you, bigtime AND they will need DAD. Have a heart as there are kids involved. If they're weren't? Do it yourself or get a mall lawyer divorce. Unfortunately you can't keep him as a roomate as the guys you will date when you're size 12 again, would be horrified.

SEE MORE on HOW TO BE A FORTUNETELLER or ADVICE GIVER: http://www.masterjules.net/astroindex.htm
Ladling out the metaphysical bullshit or not is your choice, but people never forget the IMAGES -- and it helps soften the hard edges of REALITY!

 
Our POSTER is ANITA SANDS HERNANDEZ, Los Angeles Writer, Researcher, mother of 4 and career Astrologer. Catch up with her websites  TRUTHS GOV WILL HIDE & NEVER TELL YOU, also The  FUTURE, WHAT'S COMIN' AT YA! FRUGAL LIFE STYLE TIPS,  HOW TO SURVIVE the COMING GREAT DEPRESSION, and Secrets of Nature, HOLISTIC, AFFORDABLE HEALING. Also ARTISANRY FOR EXPORT, EARN EUROS...Anita is at astrology@earthlink.net ). Get a 35$ natal horoscope "my money/future life" reading now + copy horoscope as a Gif file graphic! No smarter, more accurate career reading out there!

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