THE CASE OF THE CHEATING HUSBAND

Or “THE SHREW WHO KNEW” by Anita the Astrologer

She’d met him in Church as a child. They were sweethearts since before Forever. (if you believe in reincarnation. She did.) The perfect, in love couple was married for 21 years and had three lovely children. He made way too much money as a corporate lawyer glibly playing with the truth to win big corporations their freedom from nuisance suits. They lived in the perfect Tudor house with real diamond panes and bubble glass. Antique silver from both families was used at dinner.

The offices he inhabited all day were equally posh, peopled with powerful men and beautiful women, girls who were accountants, paralegals, legal secretaries, all of whom knew exactly who had the six figure salaries.

Twenty one years into his marriage he began sleeping with a zoftig accountant. The numbers really added up for him. HE became addicted to her.

His lovely wife, the star of the church choir, who’d kept her figure, her youth, and was even more of a Goddess, couldn’t compete with the endless, fresh, hot, novelty sex. The narcotized hubby began to be derelict in his marital attentions. (I imagine his legal work suffered, too.) When the wife confronted him with what she suspected, he totally left her bed saying she was a jealous shrew who made things up.

A little further enquiry into the hubby’s paper trails (home office, not a good idea, fellahs!) and The Shrew knew who and where and what the younger girl was. When the wife phoned the mistress up, the girl said in blasé tones, ‘he’s told me about you. You’re dreary, a bore, a shrew. You’re old hat, history. He’s going to leave you sooner or later because you’re boring and I’m not.”

At that point, the husband baldfacedly began staying away for the entire weekend and coming home with a suntan. That happened every single week-end!

That’s when she called me, Anita the Astrologer. I heard the story, did the hubby’s horoscope, saw he was all Gemini, about as deep as a rainpuddle and had no soul to lose. Then, I threw the astro dice on specific questions. It appeared hopeless. HE was welded to the witch at the hip

I told the weeping wife (NO SHREW, lemme tell you,) to tell everybody about the girl with the soul for numbers. Tell his parents, her own family, her big brother especially, his best friends who probably knew anyway. Tell the church pastor, and a few of the church members who know you best. Tell her own parents, and THEN……bite the bullet, TELL the kids and then, the very next day after you’ve informed everyone, disappear off the face of God’s earth!

She blanched. Over the phone I could hear the color white.

“Leave your credit cards, purse, leave your wallet. Take only a few thousand cash and do not pull that cash out that day. It must be borrowed so nobody can spot money leaving your account as if you were about to take a trip. Now, you can take your car, but you leave the car by the nearest bridge where there is a fast flowing river….now, resist the impulse to leap in. Instead, walk to a main boulevard, take a bus to the train station or bus station. DO NOT call a taxi. Then take the bus or train to Mom’s house in another state, but don’t take planes as they demand I.D.

“Now what will happen is, parents will file a missing person report. Detectives will enquire after your mental state, hear about ten different versions of stories about your hysterical despair, weeping and then if not accuse him of murdering you, seriously think it. The family won’t believe that. They’ll think he drove you to suicide. Especially when your car is found by the bridge!

“The week you are gone, do not call anybody. Don’t call kids, don’t call friends, family. LET them all be on him, screaming at him, accusing him of a sordid affair.

“I guarantee you ..He will leave the mistress. Which he’d never have done if you were still happily in his kitchen giving him energy and power and joy with your beautiful presence.

She said she’d do it, she swore she would. No phone calls for weeks. I’m waiting with bated breath! I start to forget.

A month later, I get this letter “”It was helpful to chat with you even though I did not carry out your suggestion concerning my cheating husband. I guess I just lost my nerve I guess I’m just not confident or ready to deal with all the trauma that’s going to happen when the affair gets out in the open. The kids, school, relatives, community, church, etc. I’m worried about his job, our finances, kids’ education. Also, I guess I’m still hopeful that if I empower myself more, continue to keep the home and children organized eventually he’ll come to his senses. Or either the young girl will end the relationship because she’ll grow tired of waiting for him. I know she’s looking to snag a husband. My husband at this point has his cake and is eating it too. My oriental friend advised me to let the husband have their little fling outside. They still want to come home to their nice families. If I push too hard at this point, I’ll lose him because men will just move in with the younger mistress. The families are destroyed, children suffer and eventually the mistresses destroy the husbands because they move on to other men. She says I should have the higher love and raise him out of his weakness by showing a higher standard of sacrificial love for him and the family. I always believed that the family was sacred, the husband wife unity was holy. I’m still in shock that this is happening in my marriage and maybe am still in denial. For twenty one years he had been a very caring husband and father.” She signed off. I let the letter fall. Beside my keyboard.

A year later, I heard she had a nervous break down and was in a mental hospital. The husband had divorced her, taken the kids and remarried his mistress. The children hated the stepmother but couldn’t bring themselves to visit Mom after one visit where she had to be carried off weeping and screaming.

Ah well. Sic transit Gloria Mundi.