WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE FACING EVICTION
Lately, I hear from many people on the verge of total eviction. When life is hard, jobs scarce, relatives both unloving and ungenerous, and when all of that happens at once, survival becomes a matter of NOT Falling apart.
Don’t take time to count your collection of injustices, do NOT waste time weeping or reacting, not talking to family or pals about how awful it is and how you're suffering. Do not write or call friends, or tell anyone in fact, as it is a major turnoff and later you'll regret it. No, the important thing is to act with speed and get some money fast through wily guerilla capitalislm, a big wad of cash in fact. Then a home in a relatively un-gentrified area where new landlord is not going to ask for proof you work for APPLE. Next, get a real job, credit rating and bank account up and running. Speed and positive attitude are of the essence.
a). Immediately while you have the room, address, space in front of the building that you have, advertise all gorgeous art, paintings, antiques that you don’t REALLY care about l00%, on craigs list, and every other freebie ad you can find, AND simultaneously announce and hold a garage sale. Craigs lets you call it art, antiques, furniture, call it all names. Worst they can do is flag it, erase it. Yesterday I put the same wine rack for 42 bottles on antiques and furniture, by owner.
Get on curb with all your extra stuff. Morning to dusk and why wait for weekends? Put a sign up, ESTATE SALE , 12-to-5 PM or whatever hour you can do it. STRANGERS IN THE HOUSE require two people run it --- one in front yard, driveway, near gate, and the other in living room. ANY TRIPS to back rooms are not a good idea for many reasons. Arrange stuff beautifully in LIVING ROOM ONLY. Anyone has a big purse, you may need a third person. Under no pretext leave the area where ‘stuff ‘is.
At night, pack good stuff into freebie grocery store boxes. (Tomatoes, wine, liquor best boxes of all,) Lots of padding/newspapers as your pals will toss these boxes around when they help you move, later. Move into garage on PALLETS. (If rain is expected as water may enter garage.)
b.) Nights, while the phone is still in the wall, call every pal and ask to live with them. Offer to not only HELP THEM with clearly specified housework, but also vow to pay part of their rent --- and say those two things ALMOST before you say that in exchange, you'd like to live in that back room they have.And you'd pay extra room for 10 square feet in their garage for a few boxes.
Tell them only what they need to hear, that you travel light. Say: "I sold my stuff at garage sale, a lot of the rest of my stuff will be in a storage unit. I am just going to keep this season's clothes with me, in that single small closet that you have in that back room." You create these three vows to be empty, frugal and uncomplicated, to help, to clean and to pay --- as you want to settle that living arrangement fast. For that reason, you don't tell pals all the grief, bad news, the people who didn't help you, the relatives who ignored you, how many piles of crap you own, none of that LOSER stuff. Because no matter how much rent money, housework and how little luggage, they won't have you if you're a PROFESSIONAL BEEFER! Cuz BEEFING IS PSYCHOTIC.
The one thing your best friends don't want to hear is how badly all those other people treated you. That is a 'friend contest' they do not want to WIN. If there's a line kicking you, they don't suddenly feel the need to suddenly be good to you, so get off that delusion.
The second thing your best pals don't want to hear is that they gotta live with your sofa/ etc. Washer and cat UNLESS they admire or need such as that. (IF they need something you have, offer it, but tell them the rest is in storage. Including the cat.The cat can go live at your mother’s. SHIP HIM OUT!
Also, explain that your needing to sleep in their back room is pro tem. Say "If you like having me pay some rent, I can stay but if you don't want it longer, I will not." Always say, "if you do let me stay on, I can contribute. I will wash dishes, do the floors, sweeping, mopping and vacuuming from now on, buy the food and cook it for both of us, and I mean gourmet meals."
THOSE THINGS tempt a pal quite a lot. "Half the food in the house will be bought by me and I won't eat yours ever. " Make those vows in front. AND BE PREPARED TO KEEP EM!
TRY finding roomies who are same sexers (if you're straight) as living with your natural romance target would be tooooo tricky for the energetic, beautiful, desirable person that you are.
That's it. So, do this immediately, both barrels. Meaning a two-track approach. And when people come to your garage sale, show photo of cat and say 'junior needs a home, he's box trained. He’s young, he seems to understand voices, a very odd thing, very smart." etc. Make up a beautiful personality for him. I'll help you here, as I know what makes a cat standout. "Even if he's locked outside, he begs to come inside to use his cat box. That's all he understands. He's very dainty." That's impressive. "When Tom Brokaw is on, he seems to know. He sits watching Brokaw right in front of the TV." He hates Dan Rather. I think he can spot a phony."People will go ballistic over your cat!
Forget about free ads in papers for an adult cat. Some oriental will turn him into kabobs and a coat. I don't mean Orientals born in the USA---but maybe their newly relatives! NEVER give a cat to any born-poor victim of the CIA, i.e. a foreign oriental. They can't help it. KOREANS are the worst, as you know. They went thru starvation and learned to prefer dog and cat to chicken! Chinese are next in line for Cat Suey. SHUN them! Many of them also don't treat animals right. They keep them in desk drawers at night! It happened to me! Guy had the mansion of all time, Chinese real estate magnate, kept cat in drawer that first nite, luckily I called him, he TOLD ME he had to! I went and picked up that cat next day! Knickers in a twist if I even think of it. A yogini living across street, vegan, got that cat. The next day.
NEXT, use the diamond days and hours that AMERICAN ASTROLOGY or DELL HOROSCOPE Magazine give in their pages...selecting JUPITER ASPECTS to do all the work associated with getting a place to live. I got a landlord on a day with VENUS rising in LEO on my ascendant and it’s been heaven for 22 years. POWER HOURS can do the same for you. Also use the diamond days for looking for new digs, meeting new landlords, phoning parents, aunts, uncles and for loans. DUD DAYS you use for heavy, hard work packing going to storage unit, etc.
Break up the cash when you borrow money so one relative doesn't pay a thousand but three instead lend you 300$ each. And the list of things you promise for this loan is even longer than for the housing. NOT ONLY THE CASH PRINCIPAL BACK but you will mow lawns, landscape yards, plus pay back the principle.
Use diamond days for phoning other folks up, for making those first offers to your new 'roommates' and also for little jobs. Many friends need housework done and would pay for it. If they're decent they will say so instead of taking offers for freebie work.
LAST, JOBLESS PEOPLE who need food, roof, heat must be given that by the government. SEE the FREE MONEY WEBSITE. THEN they can bathe, dress in the morning, get a job and work. Unless our economy has been so pillaged by the BUSH WAR to get OIL AND CREATE EMPIRE…that there is no job left in the USA. FEEL good about getting welfare, or SOCIAL SECURITY or ATD, which is AID TO THE TOTALLY DISABLED.
What's disabled about you? Well, not that forgetfulness or Speech impediment but maybe your lame leg? Your sleep dysfunction? Vertebrae lacking disc material? All these work. Brain dysfunction is the best of all. They can't x-ray a delusion! GET SSI.
IN any case, before you’re on the street, while you still have a phone, Call the SS Administration right now, (read article above first,) & make a medical appointment. There is one 800 number for the whole USA, so ask the phone operator, 800 SS ADMIN. One easy phone call, GOOGLE THE # ONLINE. They fill out a form on you --when you first call, immediately, and send you a few PAPERS to fill out. Easy papers. They know who they're dealing with, eh? They got you in the big file cabinet ALREADY if you ever had W-2s or FICA deductions when you worked in the past .
What they may not have written down there, what they don’t know is which doctors know about your disability -- so line up a few doctor (one will do,) who will swear that you have this or that syndrome. SS ADMIN is great, if you have to mail them back, they even pay the postage.
Next, they send you to see THEIR doctor or shrink to talk. They pay your taxi to get there, too. You see the doc for a half hour max. Play very schizy for the doctor. ON YOUR meeting may I suggest you talk about
A.) your being in love with Brad Pitt. Find some Famous people who disappointed you, as that's a classic symptom of something real wrong... how they screwed you over, didn't hire you when you volunteered to work for them or worse, didn’t pay you, when you did work for them. Explain that you volunteered to be their office file clerk and typist and research slave, and you worked for months without pay and theybetrayed you and your love for them. Better know their office address when you do this, though. Although, if it’s a complete fantasy, that’s good too.
B.) Oh here's a good one. Tell the shrink how the famous NEWS ANCHOR talks to you on the nightly television. Not Bill O’Reilly. They wouldn't believe that. When you watch Anderson Cooper he talks directly to you. (Change the name to Wolf Blitzer of CNN --- or Stone Phillips, any of these will work. And how you're trying to get their attention and are writing them and planning on visiting them in New York. And ask if the shrinks knows where they can be found in New York. YOU WILL GET THAT MONEY SO FAST it will make your head spin. You can't fake a gimpy leg but you can fake shit fer brains.
Shortly you will qualify and then you will get roughly 700$ smackeroos a month. With that much cash coming in, you can make ends meet by doing massage for very ritzy people, l00$ each. Ask me for file on doing GUERILLA CAPITALISM CAREERS, like massage --under the table, -- no table required in fact. You're cheaper than most masseurs so have them put a towel on the living room rug and lie face down. 50$ the hour. Do some house cleaning, handyman work for 100 to 200$ a day. Paint house for 140$ a day. Create business cards on the PC for each profession. Carry them in a flat wallet. COLOR CODE them so that when you’re reaching for a HOUSE PAINTING CARD you don’t pull out the MASSAGE card.
You can actually live like a millionaire with your new pal's back room probably costing very little. And still be energetic enough to fill your promises to them and cook gourmet meals and give them total body massages and babysit their little ones or feed and walk their dogs while they’re in Paris next Spring.
My son was actually delusional schizophrenic nuts for a while when he first moved out into his own apartment. (Non nutrition did it,) and I did this social security phone call for my son. They send you forms, you fill them out, then they give you an appt with a nearby doctor. Luis my darling sweet son was a beer and no food casualty. He stopped eating, sleeping finally quit the job and just drank beer; then he became delusional I said, "honey don't tell them why you're daffy, or that you think you are. Deny it. Say you are sane but aliens DO VISIT you. And your MOM thinks you're squirrel-y because of the flying saucers and the alien visitations. And honey? never mention alcohol or drugs (cuz they won’t give cash or any aid to alkies or users.) Just go in and be your own sweet self, talk about anything you want. UFOS, How the CNN TV guy talks to only you and keeps telling you to go to Iraq and show them how Peace can be obtained. Whatever they ask you questions, answer them and just go on talking, friendly-like about whatever enters your head.)
HE DID just that, had no agenda. I don't know what questions they asked him or how they saw he was dinky maybe the aluminum foil around his hat, but they did! They gave us 800$ a month but before I got around to lining up regular shrinks for him, he got thrown in a city loony bin and medicated.
Of course, every two years you have to go to a shrink.....and again have a meeting and discuss aliens and news anchors. A SMALL ENOUGH PRICE TO PAY. Heck, a shrink is interesting. I'd LOVE to go talk to a shrink. AND have 800 bucks a month. BOY OH BOY. But it would be unethical for me to claim to be crazy when I can write like this and assist thousands of people a year for free. I'm talented. Don't make a living. Give it away. The Big Girl Scout in the sky but dumb or crazy I am not! Although when I tell the shrink I do this teaching, full time for free, HE actually said I WAS and wanted to give me a pill for it.
Last, FORECLOSED UPON? BE OF HAPPY HEART. BECOME wandering SADDHUS and enjoy the richest life you ever had when stuck in the city. ADIOS dreary CONDO with paper walls. BYE BYE MONEY PIT HOUSE! HELLO TEAR DROP OR FLOATING CABIN!
and google search terms "How to build your own Teardrop CampingTrailer
Send on to pals who lost the house when its value dropped by half and the payments doubled. Thank you GOV/ CASINO BANKERS, IMF, FED, World. Go figure that logic!
*******FIND A CHEAP RENTAL HOME USING ALL THOSE GOV AGENCIES AND CHARITIES THAT DO THAT KIND OF THING
For more landlord avoidance tips, some house moving secrets and even GARDEN moving tips, read“ MOVE THE GARDEN” and
"CONFESSIONS OF A BOTTOM FEEDER" part I and II.
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