Whaa-aa-tttt do Aliens Really Want? Before you read this and are influenced by other minds, ponder what you think aliens want from earth and its people. See if we come up with your take. We asked many local saucer buffs what they seriously believed and got these answers:
1. LAND. i.e. they're planning moving here when the local tribes have been eradicated, tamed, or extinguished by the new mysterious killer viruses. Green Monkey virus my eye! Little Green MAN is more like it. Earth is a potential colony!
2. FOOD SOURCE. Those cattle mutilations in the 4-corners region give some people the heebie jeebies. It can't just be FDA researchers checking our beef supply for MadCow or that aliens are curious about our meat disease problem. Aliens must be testing the viral contaminants in our prime, dietary food source to see if our own flesh is too microbe-ridden to eat as sushi, too virus-ridden to be eaten even well-cooked. Hey look on the bright side. If we're really infected, they will not use Earth as their A & P. (Although rumors exist that the Draco Reptilians fancy toddlers with pesto sauce.)
Numbers 1 and 2 really tell you more about earth people than they do about aliens. Our first response is sooo paranoid. Now we can understand how come Custer killed all those Indians. RedNeck response is alive and well on the planet earth. We are all skinheads on some level. So let's move to the gentler recesses of the human mind.
3. ARTS AND CRAFTS, IMPORT BAZAARS. They consider us a shopping haven like Tijuana, love our chatzkes, find lava lamps so cute! (no wonder we can't find them any more in any thrift store. Come on, there were about a trillion of them in 1954. Did you ever think about that? Where did all the lava lamps go??? Some people think they've been rebottled as that new soft drink with the floating flakes. Gag me with a spoon. Aliens have 'em! Other neat things Saucer people obviously scoop up: stationery stamps. I thought I owned three. All have disappeared. Socks and male cats. Everyone I know has had a ton of THESE two categories disappear. And the beforementioned cattle reproductive parts. Must be some kind of pickled item for Martian smorgasbord or maybe a male-potency vitamin back home on Zartuk 9.
4.GENETIC MATERIAL. They like our blue-eyed blonde women with big hooters. Julie Brown was SOO prescient! ("EarthGirls are Easy") Rentable 1988 comedy.
5. THEY JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDLY. Yeah, riiii-ght. Back to blue eyed blonde women and hooters. This brings up an interesting theory. Where would aliens go if they wanted to meet earth girls? Bars, lectures on aliens and UFO subjects? Or maybe dirt-bike tracks? Cross off bars. Would they want liquored up biker girls? Doubt it. Think this thing out. Where do more nice girls disappear from than any other place? Their own apartment building? Close, but actually, only 20.4% do. 43.5% of all kidnapped, permanently disappeared women left their office, home, or a party in a car. They disappear from those cars which are later found abandoned on city streets. As no cases of space ships swooping down and extracting women are reported surmise that all handsome hitchikers are aliens! Deduction: if you want to be kidnapped by aliens and move to another planet, always drive lonely, rural highways and pick up male hitchhikers! But girls, if you do this, carry a loaded pistol as some of them will definitely not be aliens!
6. IT'S ALL A GIANT SCIENCE EXPERIMENT RUN AMOK. This is close to being possible. In fact, it's the number one foregone assumption of saucer buffs. They believe that we already are aliens, have been for several million years. We are nothing more than a six foot high smear on a lab slide. Say, they took a hominoid stock from Planet X, and implanted it here on the planet of the apes. They left us certain prime, alien food staples like tofu and algae. Never in the world thinking we'd turn to eating white bread, chocolate or cows with mustard on them. So the whole experiment turned unpredictably freakish. Then, we demented guinea pigs stoked on dijon and cola invented aberrations like neutron bombs which they couldn't have imagined. Some budding scientist up on Zartuk-9 definitely has earned himself an F and flunked out of school. Now, how does the college terminate the experiment? I know, give them petroleum refining for vehicles. Take less than a century. A cosmic blink.
7. BOO HOO, THEIR PLANET IS DYING: This is part of the LAND theory. They want real estate. We know that suns go through changes, are born blue, turn white, then as they turn red, they start growing horribly immense, charcoal-broiling their planets. It could be that inter-planetary talent scouts have been cruising our waters looking for islands in space. Now, if that were the case, and these were evolved civilizations, wouldn't they just open their wallets and buy their way in? I wouldn't mind aliens as neighbors, would you? Especially if they could help me get cable for free or figure out my VCR programming.
So if it's a priori true that they're here, how do we find em? Well, what do you think doomed colonies on a time table would do? They'd send in P.R. people to make sweet movies about them. What we need is a list of all the Alien-friendly films ever made. StarMan, Brother from Another Planet, That Michael Rennie flick from the 50's. Now, we go find the writers. Either they're aliens themselves or they're contactees and have been hypnotized and dictated to but they're definitely part of an advance wave of nice-nice propaganda to get us to accept them because they are planning to move here.
Ask your pals what they think. Great holiday party conversation stuffer. Many theories are out there. They want to marry us, raise kids. They're heavily invested in the stock market or bought IRA's and can't get their $ out. Or, --- they have been left behind. Their huge, mother ships left years ago, they're all ET's who can't phone home. None of the above? Then, What is your take?
Next parlor game: the second question is what could we possibly USE them for? Suggestions along these lines: Could they be the one to show us how to patch the ozone hole? Might they know how to get rid the entire planet of invasive kudzu and/or figure out what uses the damn stuff has. Could they indicate to us which animals on our planet have really neat brains and are capable of being selectively bred to become English speaking friends and maybe entry level workers, a kind of furry, buddy race which wouldn't inspire interracial strife and turn on us, but which would open man's hearts to ecstasy, affection, devotion and love yet not evolve beyond us. Important that last.
Next, while we're stuffin' our Xmas stocking, I think we'd all appreciate learning how to create a quick revving, peppy hydrogen-eating car motor along with a way to dump the toxic, gasoline-refining industry and loose its hold on the planetary economy and its control of politics. And the cancers dirty air produces. While they're at it, what other beans are growing in earth's jungles that we could turn into something as delicious and stimulating as chocolate and coffee? Or, in their UFO jungles?
So hold the thought. Next time an alien crosses your path, he will feel your mental force field, instinctively stop in his tracks, turn around, look in your eyes. Well, it' s a known fact that we can create these feats of E.S.P with our own 'other' species, so why not? And this visitor will recognize you as a friend. 'Hey', he'd say. 'You've been having some real nice hopes about our getting together.' And you'd smile back and say 'yes, I have. You've read me right. You have got your best buddy and tourist guide right here. Let's go have lunch and maybe afterwards, by any chance do you know how to psychically handicap horses at the track?' And zap! CHUMS with amusing, profitable leisure activities to pursue together.
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